Do you ever look at your arms and think, “wow,great, my arms look great. They are skinnier than my elbows…” And then you eat something. All day. And feel, “wow, I thought my arms were a good measure and thought they looked ok, yesterday, but now I think they have grown. A lot. I’m puffy. Shit.” I hate my body. I hate my head. Goddammit.
That awkward moment when you think you want to hurt yourself… but don’t…but you made sure to find the razor and stash it, just-in-case… and hope that’s that.
I don’t know where my wedding ring is right now. My husband threw it across the room so all I can think is wtf, there is atleast $6000 sitting somewhere, all discarded. And I heard it hit something. Like a vent. Like a floor vent. I think there may be $6000+ dollars sitting in my floor vent. Goddammit
So my husband has been pressing me about why my mood has been a bit down today. To correct him, id like to say I was ‘contemplative’. I listed these reasons and he told me I was being ‘overly emotional’:
-I’m traveling home, alone, & super pissed @ my mom, whom ;l’ll be home, alone with
-I’m going to see my best friend *but*
-I’ve lost quite a bit of weight since I’ve last seen both my mom & my best friend.
-I’m going home.
Going home in itself is really hard as there is a lot of small-town BS that is delt with. I, for one, does not want to deal with it. Especially since finding out what I did this summer—more on that later.
Wish me luck on this journey as I certainly don’t feel like I will get it at home…
I think I want to die and nothing can stop me. I think my ED has become my slow suicide. I love my parents and love my child but I feel I am better gone from thisworld. I am a burdan although you may not aknowledge. I love you all and feel like a fuckin failure. At everything. I will keep trying but it fucking sucks.
20 more lbs I need to go. 20 more lbs & I will have a perfect soul.
I want to eat something.
You are not allowed.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
Recovery is not ridding yourself of the eating disorder but caging it. It will always be there but keeping it in the cage is the goal. we all know it is always there; it’s learning how to cage it that is the key.
If marijuana was legal not only would it help the textile industry, it would bring in more money to the government& overall help the american public. Think about it.